»Feeling bad
Sunday, May 29, 2011
What's with this feeling of guilt? Somehow, I just felt the burden and stress and guilt coming in every Saturday night. I think mainly because I always convince myself to not go to church the next day. When, I say I must discipline myself to go every week. So far, it's been 3 weeks since I last went to church. And if I don't go tomorrow, it will be a month. I guess, I needed time to really cool down and really prioritize the things in my life and really pump in more discipline. I like going to church because it's where I feel the most hyped up and where I learn and grow spiritually. I definitely don't want to change church because it's where I had learn my foundation and I'm used to it already. But because I felt the burden of concerns. Overly concerns. From Ms Chiam and Jami. Because if I don't go to church, they will ask me why and I will feel all guilty and ashamed to say out the reason. Because I'm tired, I can't wake up. Father is my everything, He's the reason why I'm still moving on. Yet, because of one small reason, I'm tired, and I don't go to church. I'm happy that they concern about me and ask why because at least I know they care. I hope I can faster talk more sense to myself and re-commit myself back to the things which I'm suppose to.
Father, I'm sorry. Please give me more time. Just one more week to sort out my thoughts. I'm really sorry. :(
Just one more week. I will be free from self tortures. Because she's starting to talk more like him. And she will somehow mention him and whenever during meeting, somehow his name will be heard. I will not let him affect me anymore. Neither does she. I'm not going to let her affect me anymore. Just hope she will stop talking like him. :(
words spilled @ 12:30 AM /
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»The waking moment
Friday, May 27, 2011
It's Friday again. 5th week is gone and here comes the 6th. This week was fun. Went around for site visiting with Projects department colleagues. I like going out with them. haha. But they treated us as little girls. We are not that little but our age gaps are not really that much. They are about average 30 plus years old.
Next week will be June! It's so fast! I hope to go back and work in the Property and Projects department after internship! Hopefully they still wants me back. =P
Had been trying to adapt my body system to the sleeping timing. 11.30pm-6.30am. 7hours of sleep! (:
Hmmmmms. This morning ain't good. I woke up breaking in cold sweat. A nightmare I suppose. As I get older, I don't believe in those "Dreams are opposite of reality" stuff. Because I believe that it's like before we go to bed, the things we had been thinking of the whole day, comes popping into our dreamland.
Hmmmmms. A nightmare that woke me up, both from reality and sleep, reminding me that he's not going to be there for me anymore.
Rather sad but I know I'm moving on! =D Things may be different now but I know Father has His plans. (:
words spilled @ 11:14 PM /
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»So, change is the only constant thing in this world eh?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tomorrow marks the end of the 4th week of SIP. 1 month flew by so quickly. Then 2nd September will come and we are out of the company. Felt quite sad about it because I really enjoy working there. I really hope time will go by slower but the thing is, time is always the same, neither fast nor slow. But then, I'm going to cherish the time in office. (:
Short post to keep this blog alive. (:
Going for camp tomorrow! (:
words spilled @ 8:39 PM /
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»When the heart should listen to the mind, just this time
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I'm alright. I'm alright. That's what my mind had been repeatedly reminding myself for the past few days. Maybe because I had psycho-ed myself too much that my reactions went slow and I could feel nothing until hours later.
This is the last time I'm going to blog about this matter anymore. I will bury everything relating to this matter deep down and never bring it up anymore.
I know she cares about me and as a friend, I should not let her know how pain the pain is, I don't want her to apologise to me anymore. Friends shouldn't always say sorry to each other right? And like what I said, this is not your fault. No one can force him to make a choice. It's a choice completely made by him, himself.
Went out with her today. Things were the same, we had fun, but somehow the feelings, my feeling especially, is different. I felt weird when we spoke about that matter. But apart from that, I'm alright. I'm really am alright. Thank you for being frank with me. (:
He could give up his rest today and ask you out, it meant that he really treats you and regards you as someone important to him. Maybe my dream might just come true. There was once when I dreamt that the two of you getting married. Too far away from now but it might just happen.
For now, I just want to feel nothing. I just want to forget whatever that has happened between me and him. Every single thing. I had deleted his texts that I had kept. Now, I just want to delete my feelings for him. I can do it. I just want to feel the love that Father has been giving me.
words spilled @ 5:14 PM /
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»Turning the frown into a smile
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I have to learn that. Letting go. Recently, I had been advising one friend of mine who is facing problems at her workplace. I told her, instead of thinking the negatives, why not try and find at least one thing to be happy about and give thanks? Through this way, you will be more happy and you won't develop dislikes to that particular person any further.
Then it struck me that, I had been so focused on those broken pieces that I never look up and look at things around me. I should walk the talk and practice what I had said. There are so many things in life that I am grateful of right now in my life, like I have friends who loves me. I have a loving sister-in-christ, prispris, to cheer me on. I have my family whom which didn't know what happened. I am so focused on that little setback that my world just stop spinning for a moment. It's time to set myself operating again. I should not disappoint those who loves me.
I hate no one, nor do I dislike anyone. I just hope to be able to treat them better than now. I want to be a better person.
Those little setbacks in life are parts and parcels of life, and I'm still learning while growing up. I know that everything will be alright with my Heavenly Father.
I'll be back to normal soon! (: Give me a little time and I will be back, brand new.
As the old adage says, "When life gives you lemon, make yourself a cup of lemonade." (:
是时候捡起那颗支离破碎的心，那些不愉快的过往，勇敢地往前走。
words spilled @ 11:44 PM /
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»Everything
I can't look at you without forgetting what had happened. Things had changed so much that now, I can't look you straight in the face. Every time I will catch myself looking at you, thinking and feeling inferior. My thoughts these few days were,
ya, she's prettier than me. She's lively and bubbly and active, of course everyone will choose her. And also, she's better than me in every way.
When friendship turns this way, it's just not the way it should be. I should fix this situation. I may be running away from problems now. But I guess, I needed time to settle myself down.
The problem lies with me.
words spilled @ 12:34 AM /
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»I'm alright
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Should do a quick post before heading for bed. Work had been great. I'm slowly fitting in, into my department. Though I still don't joke around with my colleagues, but still, those moments when we exchange smiles, is enough. I hope we can be more of friend than just being colleagues. I will work hard to be a part of my department. (:
So tired. But yet, I feel fulfilled. I don't have to think of things which I don't want to think of, though the matter is stuck in my mind almost 80% of my waking hours. But I had managed to convinced myself that, this is a small matter. I don't have to get all sad and depressed about it. Though felt a little down but I know that, I will brave through this trial.
I don't blame anyone but myself.
That's it then. I should head for bed now. I don't know what I'm talking about now. haha.
虽然输了，我输得心甘情愿。
虽然输了，我不怨任何人。
虽然输了，我学会了宽容。
虽然输了，我也只能算了。
我每天祈祷着，希望每天能过得快乐一点，充实一点。我相信自己可以很快乐。
话，一天比一天越说越少。这才发现以前的我，说的话太多了。现在说话也变成另外一种需要。为了说话而说话。我能走出这段不愉快的往事，我一定可以。可是，请给我多一点时间，慢慢克服这些障碍。
words spilled @ 11:45 PM /
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»It's ok if I'm hurt
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Decided to private this blog. Because I find that, I want to do that. In a way, whereby I'm expressing my feelings out but not making it known to anyone. I wanted to talk to someone about it. I found someone. And really thank him, I somehow felt better. But the feelings in me, still bottled up, not releasing. I still feel really hurt, felt like a fool.
I always thought that if I genuinely treat someone nice and quietly cares about him without him knowing, someday, something good might just happen. But I'm wrong, that is what will happen in stories, in movies, in fairytales. But it's the reality that I'm living in right now. You will lose the guy you like, if you are not courageous enough to confess. And the worse thing? Him falling for your best friend and it suddenly dawns to you that, you had always been an obstacle to them. Foolish me, still thought that I may stand a chance.
Why makes me feel so special by telling me that you really want to hear my voice in times of despair when all you will do is just giving me false hope? I'm too naive. Very naive. Guys are jerks. That's the first time I had ever mentioned it. But yes, guys are jerks. Some are, not all.
I had been pondering lately, would you choose someone who loves you or choose the one you love? Watching the recent 9pm show, I wanted someone whom I like but loves me. Maybe that's too much to ask.
All in all, I just want to say, it's ok if I'm hurt. I will take things one step at a time. Let nature takes its course. Since the two of you are in love, love will find its way to the two of you. I give you my blessings. Just hope, if one day the two of you are together, I will be able to face you two without feeling any pain.
No one can understand the feeling everyone feels. So I believe, no one can truly understand how I felt. Only You, Father. Only You.
The reason why I will cry is because I'm glad that I still have You at the end of the day, even though I don't deserve Your great love.
words spilled @ 12:29 AM /
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»Sunny days, rainy days, thunderstorms, I will brave through them
Monday, May 9, 2011
2nd week of SIP is over. Now comes the third. Then will come the fourth and so on. 85 more days till internship ends. I don't know whether will I miss working there. But Mr. Derren, my supervisor, I think I will miss him cause he's a uber nice guy. (:
Internship for the past 2 weeks had never been exciting or nice. But rather, it was exhaustive, energy sapping, sad, and disappointment.
Internship for the past 2 weeks had never been exciting or nice. But rather, it was exhaustive, energy sapping, sad, and disappointment.
I'm ok with work, whereby just that I need to be more sociable. Need to build my relationship with my colleagues and I need to be more of a initiative person. I have to go and approach my colleagues instead of them coming to me. I must do well for MPSIP. (:
Disappointing in a sense whereby, I recall the time when I'm worried I can't work together with my friends. But then, everything was alright, smooth sailing, until the past 2 weeks. I rather not work with them and miss them than everyday I could see them yet don't interact at all. There's no conflict, but just that, because we are all working in the different department and they have their stories to share and they have new classmates to interact and joke with, I felt casted away. I felt out of place, awkward and sadly, lonely. I keep telling myself that it's alright but no, it's not at all. But then, I paused and look back. I can't be so demanding as to ask my friends to give me their attention, I should be glad that I still can see them, have lunch with them. I should be less selfish and be more selfless. Therefore, I told myself, I can't be so selfish. Must abandon my ego-ness and start to be more generous.
I can do it. (:
Because I have Father. That's all that matters.
No doubt I miss school, I miss hanging out with my friends. But I know that this phase of life is something I must go through. Once it's over, I can't take back. So I must cherish this working experience, then when school time is back, I will continue to cherish the time I had with my friends. (:
Therefore, whether is it sunny days, rainy days, thunderstorm, I will brave through them. (:
words spilled @ 1:17 AM /
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»It's been awhile
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It's been awhile since I had last updated this site. Had been away for internship. On the first day of work, I had so many realisations and I dreaded going to work. For example, I cherish school even more. I love going to school and study and after going for attachment, I find that school is so much better cause working life don't really appeal to me now. It's the opposite of school. Also, I understand why we must rejoice when Friday is here because the long awaited weekend is here! I used to dread Fridays cause I won't be able to go to school, but now, Friday is like the best day of the week. =D
Then, I also realise that why people will be so no life after working. Cause most of their day time is spent in the office and when it's time to knock off, it's 6pm and you have only 6pm - bedtime to do our own stuff. Those few hours are very very important. But there's limited things that we can do cause it's so tiring that you are drained and you just feel like sleeping. haha!
But nonetheless, I'm still trying to adapt. I'm really thankful to Father that my supervisor is a great mentor to me and I could learn new things under him. Also, thank you that tomorrow is holiday! No school! haha. =D
I'm happy that I'm keeping up to my promise. I'm going to church every Sunday. Today is the 2nd week and I shall keep up this promise! =D
words spilled @ 6:24 PM /
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