»When everything falls apart
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Home is no longer a home anymore. I've always love going home but I'm dreading it now. Home is always my refuge. Home is always my shelter. Now, it's no longer a refuge nor a shelter to me anymore. It's a battlefield. I always have my family whenever I encounters shit outside. Now, I'm stuck. I feel like crap now.
No one's sparing me of anything. I just want to die. Today, when I was crossing the road. How I wish, a car could knock me down there and then. But I know, committing suicide is the most foolish and stupid thing to do. I will not die. Not now.
I didn't spark the argument between my parents yet in the end, I'm the one getting the cold shoulder treatment. It's just a report book that my little brother forgot to bring home. Yet my mom could get so worked up. I endured the nonsense she made and in the end she made my little brother cry. I flared up. Trying to reason things with her. It's just a freaking report book. End up, she included me in this bull shit incident. I just wanted to be nice and stand up for my little brother. She's not going to bother about me anymore.
Disappointed and sad. I've always trying to be their filial daughter. Pleasing them with what they wanted me to do. Doing my best to be what they wanted me to be. Getting good results to please them. End up, she still dotes on my brothers more. It's always been this case since young. She always scolded me because of my brothers. I'm glad that my dad dotes on me more. But this time, he's not standing with me anymore. I'm alone now. My little brother is nonchalent about this. Gone, everything falls apart.
I prayed hard. Yet everytime I fell asleep. Maybe I didn't pray harder.
Or maybe, I'm the one who is at fault. I should never start the argument. Shit me for doing all this.
Wanting to be someone good. Yet, situations bounded me not to be. Especially in school. I can't control how people thinks. Everyday, I face you. How the day will go, will depend on your mood. I'm tired of all these. You may think others dont think for you. Yet, you never thought that we did. You always say things that made us guilty. What? You want to be the center of attention? I can give it to you. You can have all the attention you want. You can have all the friends I had. I would rather be a loner than putting up with all your nonsense. Because you are my friend, therefore I care. But lately, you made me want to give up this friendship.
I think I'm going to blow up soon.
words spilled @ 5:47 PM /
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»SEM 2.2
Monday, October 25, 2010
KAKA! It's been so long since I last heard from you. haha. Well, rest well while you're recuperating! Hope to see you back on field soon! Which is next year's January. Boohoo. =(
Hmmmms. School was alright so far. Well, there's nothing much I could do but say that so far I think all my subjects is just plain boring. Too technical I guess. I'm more interested in Attractions Management. Apart from the fact that there's 2 transfer students from Finland in this subject. haha! Well, they are not in my class so yupps. haha!
I was having a comparison among the guys that I am attracted to, they are namely, KAKA, Chord Overstreet and Lee Min Ho. haha!
Well, some similarities I found in them are,
-They are good looking to me but somehow not to others.
-Their attractive eyes and stunning smile. hehe.
-Tall.
-Humorous.
-They gave me a sense of security. In someway or another. haha!
And the list goes on. The most important thing is, the feeling I had for them. haha! =P
I'm abit nuts but just somehow being random. haha!
Well, things look alright on the surface but I just dont feel ok. Hmmmms.
I had been wondering, sometimes, just maybe sometimes, I don't need and dont want any friends. I don't want to be thoughtful about them. Afraid they might get hurt or disappointed by me. I dont want to let them down. But sometimes I dont feel good when I'm somehow disappointed by them. They can dont like me. They can talk behind my back. And I don't like it when someone can be my so called friend in front of me and when I just leave a moment ago, she started saying things about me. I do that, yes, but I'm not going to do that anymore. Because this feeling really sucks. Yes, they can don't like me, it's their freedom. I mind but I dont really hold it to my heart for a long period of time. But to say in general all friends, it's somehow wrong because I'm being particular about some people. Well, guess no one can help me but myself. I'm sorry but I think I need some reflection time alone with God. I don't want to be anyone's friend, for now... =(
words spilled @ 9:55 PM /
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»Pray
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Ya, everyday I prayed that I could lead each day smoothly without any hiccups. Well, most days are peaceful while some days are just not.
Come to think of it, after seeing this picture up there, where the phrase goes, "Don't pray for life to be easy but pray for yourself to be strong". I realised that I had always been praying to God that hope the day itself will be easy and no problems will arise but I never thought that, when life is smooth sailing, there's no lesson learnt. God gave problems because He also gave us the solutions and we are to find the solutions ourselves. Even if we go the wrong way or the way He doesn't desires, He brings and guides us back on track. That's the power of my Heavenly Father. =D
Well, left with 2 more days of work and I could have a little break before Sunday comes which is my last day of work. I hope I won't fluck my Eng O's. haha.
12 hours from now, I'm working! hahhaha.
Actually it's fun, come to think of it. Dealing with many different customers. Picky ones, I-don't-understand-your-language ones, and many more. haha. Oh! There's a lot of caucasians and foreigners. Like what Evon/Sharon says, it's like we're not in Singapore. haha!
I want to get some things before school starts! =D
For now, I should head for bed!
P.S. Work makes me realised one more thing. When I reached home, I started doing things faster because I don't want to waste any time I could be at home. hehe. =D
P.S.S. I made a new friend today. She's my 'partner' for today and tmr. Her name is Cherie. (: A shopaholic, I guess, because she asks me questions mostly on shopping. haah! (:
words spilled @ 10:10 PM /
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»Home, an unbeatable place
Work makes me realise tonnes of things!
Firstly, working alone can be great at times but when it comes to time, it seriously tick by so slowly! Unless there's customers. Time might pass by faster. haha. Working with Sharon today, time is definitely going by very fast. haha.
Secondly, studying is definitely so many times better than working. I wonder why people likes to work except the fact that we are paid to work. Well, I like studying better than working. (:
Last but not least, I love my home even more! I had always been loving my home. Now, after work, I love my home even more. haha! I should stay at home more often! (:
Especially when school is reopening soon. NEXT WEEK!
Well, school reopen is definitely some thing to look forward to but hope time won't go by so fast. haha. I shall see how discipline I will be. (:
Okays, talking about home. I hope I could earn enough money to get a home which I like. Penthouse is preferred. hee. Bringing my family in. (:
I want it to be spacious. With many space in between furnitures.
Well, enough talk. Got to head for the bed now. Working tmr. =( looking forward to 6.30pm! haha.
P.S. I'm addicted to Glee songs. Especially episode 4's. Duets(:
words spilled @ 12:09 AM /
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»I Heart Tumblr
Monday, October 18, 2010
Yesyes, I heart tumblr now! hehe.
I had left it hanging for quite some time but then I'm back lately! Cause I had been following lots of Glee Tumblr. haha! Like, Sam and Quinn, Glee, and many more. haha.
Tumblr is now my no.1 hot site that I will go. haha! =p
Slog my guts out working. haha! Sat's was alright just that time was seriously, going by so slowly! I thought I would be busy in the end, there's not many ppl. I have to live the 9hrs, 5 minutes by 5 minutes. But I'm glad, I pulled through! haha. Tmr working at Takashimaya, hope I won't get lost! Teehee. I'm a noob shit, like what my elder brother says I am. haha!
Imma sleep now! hehe. Goodnight! =D
words spilled @ 12:01 AM /
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»Fear-less
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Life's been like a rollercoaster now. Up and down, up and down. It can be so calm and peaceful now and then some excitement or anxiety can distrupt the pattern of the once peaceful life.
Well, school can be one of that rollercoaster ride. Study is the peace, projects and examinations will be the ones reaching the climax then results phase and then it's back to relax and play.
My next excitement will be timetable release time. Wonder what's my timetable will be like and my next CDS!
Everything is so packed now. Just want to hit the track now but still, because I've got no perserverence and determination. I'm procrastinating till now. Should start training everyday next week or coming Sat. Campus Relay is coming and this time, there's no substitute. Boohoo! Should train dilligently! Now that I've got my bike all pumped up. haha.
Waiting for Glee ep 4 to come out! Shall go back and check again at 5pm! Hopefully it will be out by then!
Mom and dad had been feeling down recently and I felt sad to see mommy cry. ='(
I could do nothing but pray for them! I miss the vibes and vibrance that I used to praise and worship God! I should spend more time with Heavenly Daddy soon! (:
Till then, byes! =D
words spilled @ 4:29 PM /
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»On the edge
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Have you ever felt so frustrated and stretched that, whatever move you are going to make next, will cause you fell down the cliff into a bottomless pit?Well, I felt as if I'm at the edge of a cliff now. Being pursued by scavengers, by pirates. Or rather, decisions.
If I were to ask you, choose between your friends and family. Which will you choose? I'll choose the latter. Sorry but yes, I'm going with my family. Nothing can separate this fact that family is the most important thing secondary to God.
Friends are family that we can't have. Yes, friends give us the best of our life but think about it, when you are going through a period, when you don't really want to talk to anyone but just lock yourself in your room and reflect upon it, it is family who gave you this space where you can be alone. Solitary moments.
I'm facing a lot of things now. I can't say I'm having a hell of a time. Because I know that my problems are just minor ones.
Well, standing at the cross road of friends and family. I will balance it out but you can't blame me for not spending time with you, friend. I really love my home. And when they needed me, I want to be there for them. If you need me, I will be there but sorry I just can't make it tmr. Though you will be away due to work, I will still see you again. When school reopens, I will still be spending most of my time in school. But for now, I am with my family.
Whatever you say, will not make me feel guilty for not spending time with you because I know home is where I want to be right now and for time to come.
words spilled @ 1:20 AM /
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»Hands held tight
Sunday, October 10, 2010
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To find someone who will hold your hands tightly in times of trouble, in times of happiness, in time of lost, is hard.
But when you found one, hold on to it and never let them go easily...
words spilled @ 1:55 AM /
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»Glee-tales
Saturday, October 9, 2010
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I used to really wish that Finn and Quinn can be together throughout the whole Glee series. Thus, I never really liked Rachel for coming into their romance. In the end, I realised that things ain't always that simple. What was meant to be, sometimes may not be what it will turn out to be.
Sometimes, someone or something better will come along the way. I am really looking forward to episode 4 of Glee season 2. I believe this will rank no.1 in my list of the best Glee episode. I like Quinn a lot. =D I am really happy that she is singing this duet, "Lucky", with Sam. hehe. I think I had watched umpteen times of their duet. I like the chemistry going on between the both of them that I could not stop smiling about it.
Though this does not happen during real life but at least, I saw something like this happening in Glee. Which is equally good. hehe. I really hope Sam and Quinn could become an item and not like what was written that Sam will become Kurt's "boyfriend". If this happens, I will be sad to the max! =(
Fingers crossed! Can't wait for Wednesday to come! Glee season 2, episode 4! =D
Last but not least!
TEEHEE! =D
SAM & QUINN! (Y)
words spilled @ 9:18 PM /
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»Realization; Tears and Sweat
Friday, October 8, 2010
"Somewhere in the midst of it all, it hit you. You realized that these days are more than ice cream trips, homework, and pimples. This is called life. And this one is yours.
You've been given your life. No one else has your version.
Live in the right way, serve God, have faith, love, patience, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith, grabbing hold of the life that continues forever. You were called to have that life when you confessed the good confession before many witnesses.
I Timothy 6:11-12 "
It's my 18th birthday today. I felt like it's just any other day.
It's not a good nor a happy one. In fact, I guess, it's the worst ever.
My eyes stings from the crying this morning and last night before I turn in to bed.
A frown plastered on my face to spend today.
I'm thankful for the celebration that my class gave me. I had my fun and I love it when everyone came tgt. It felt so heartwarming. But yet, I felt the distance between most of them. I felt out of place, I feel like going home. I stared blankly at my bag when I'm in the room. I felt terrible, I felt weird all of a sudden. Something is wrong, I thought to myself.
I went home, seeing my parent's faces. Upset and angry. I thought I had done something wrong. I am wrong. My elder brother broke up with his 3years 9month girlfriend. I felt sad. Though it's none of my buisness but still, I felt the pity between their relationship. At that moment, I lost all faith I had in love. Love, as in those kind of boy and girl love. I still believe in the unfailing love that God has for us, the family kinship love and between friends' love.
I texted her. I cried myself to sleep. Feeling sad for her. Even now, when I thought of it, the tears still lingers around. Then in the morning, I saw a letter that my mom is reading. A letter from her to him. I didn't mean to peek at it but I want to know what's wrong. It's 3 pages long. I cried after reading the 1st page.
Many ppl asked me, how am I going to celebrate my birthday. I said with my family. They asked me about my friends. I said no. I felt like some pathetic loner who had no friends. I meant nothing, it's just an after thought. I don't really like celebrating my birthday because everyone's attention will be on me. Which I will feel not at ease. But I compared between last year and this year's. Everything changes. Feelings changes.
I always thought that when I lost balance from my friendship, I will find the lever of balance in my family. But, they are not in the mood to care about me now. Then I realised that, there is always this one person who had been there for me. GOD. He's there. I'm lost and He held my hand and guided me through.
Like what Eunice sister says, I will perservere on and finish this race strongly! =)
I'm 18 years old now. It's time for me to grow up. To be less inmature and be more thoughtful about things around me.
I'll never force things anymore.
For I came to realise that no matter how many 100 percent you gave to someone, that someone just don't really need you. The 100 percent is just equates to nothing. Whether is it friends or anything. I will not need anyone to rely on anymore. Friends or not. If you need me, I'll be there. But after ystd, I realised that no matter how close you are towards someone, she will still be someone else.
A rather saddening post but yet, it's a realisation for me in my beginning of my 18 years of life. It's time for me to grow up.
Thank you for the birthday wishes I had received and the presents that are blessed to me. A birthday cake from my class 4e4'08, a Lady Gaga remix CD from my little brother and a book from niang. (:
words spilled @ 8:57 PM /
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»It hurts so so much
Monday, October 4, 2010
The excruciating pain.It hurts.
My heart screams and I choose to...
Ignore it.
words spilled @ 12:43 AM /
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