»Lies
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I thought everything will be alright after I give up. I thought it will hurt less after giving in. In the end, when I get to know more things, or rather, accidentally found out some things, the pain doubled. Excruciating. I think I will feel no pain only when I truly let go.
But now, I still flinched when your name is mentioned or the term which I addressed you. It's so common that I will get to hear it so often. I miss you so terribly. I really do. But it just pains me when I know that it's the opposite for you.
I wanted to talk to someone about it. I had someone on my mind as to who to tell. But, how do I go about saying it to truly express my thoughts? And will that person even care?
words spilled @ 12:22 AM /
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»Upgrades
Monday, March 28, 2011
Not going to let myself remain status quo. Gonna do some things to keep myself in tip-top shape before another round of school/work. Internship is starting in less than a month! I should grab this holiday to do something meaningful. I know, it's seems too late to make a difference but, it's not too late as yet. I still have more than 20 days. (:
Borrowed books at Tampines Regional Library on Saturday. A book to keep myself growing spiritually, a book to keep myself growing mentally (novels), a book to keep myself growing (self improvement genre books) and a CD to learn Korean! haha. =D
Borrowed the CD, Korean for Dummies, the shelf stated that there's accompanying titles. I'm still wondering what is that but did not ask the librarian. Hmmmms. I hope it's a book cause without any books, just listening to the person blabbering away, there's no way I could catch anything. haha! =P
Going to start jogging every morning around neighbourhood. Though it's somehow too late but I'm gonna prepare myself for the NAPFA! haha. =D
Intern is coming and I really hope, my group don't split up cause everyone whom I had talked to say there's a possibility that we will, and it's of high possibility. =(
But nonetheless, not gonna keep this worry bugging me. I should take one step at a time. For now, I should head for bed now! =D
Tomorrow will be a better day! =D
Another psychological fact I had stumbled across today, "When the someone is thinking of a person, that person is also thinking of that someone." Wonder if it's true. But, it does not really concern me anymore now though. =/
words spilled @ 12:27 AM /
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»Next Top Model
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Just finished watching Australia's Next Top Model Series 5 on Star World. Had been catching it recently. It was a very inspiring show. Cause those girls had this passion of being a model when they grow up and they worked towards it. It's telling me that I should work towards my goals too. Life is too short to waste it. (:
She is the winner for series 5's Australia's Next Top Model. She is my favourite and she won. I felt very happy for her. She's Tahnee Atkinson. She's only 17 years old. haha. I love how her blue eyes matches with her brown hair color. (:
More pictures of her to end this post! Some pictures during the competition. (:
You can go google search for her photos! haha. Or even watch Australia's Next Top Model Series 5 for her journey to being Australia's Next Top Model! haha. =D
Next one showing tomorrow night at the same time slot will be Britain's Next Top Model. haha. =D
words spilled @ 12:09 AM /
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»Memories that needs no memorisation
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Had meeting in the morning so did not go to grandma's house with mom, dad and benben.Took bus 15 from TP to Tampines MRT Station then to Lavender Mrt station then took bus 145 to grandma's house. This is the first time I went to grandma's house alone and taking public transport. A new experience and a nice one too.
Because grandma stays in Balestier. It's somehow different from Tampines whereby the ageing population there is so much higher than here. So I somehow categorise grandma's house as those rather laid back area as compared to the other areas which are more fast paced, etc. You won't see kids with Gameboy Advanced running around in the neighborhood, just mini bikes and toy cars.
But my point is, after alighting from bus 145, I walked to grandma's house. The short walk reminds me of my younger times. I grew up at grandma's house. I spend most of my toddler years over there, of which I can say, everyday is something new. Going down to have fun at the playground with my cousins, going over to grandma's yong tau foo stall and help out, etc. Ahhh. Memories. These are memories which you won't forget and definitely needs no memorisation. (:
I miss staying with grandma. I miss her. Every time I see her, she just gives me this warm fuzzy feeling. =D
Also, the walk over there makes me feel like some backpacker, walking in a relax and slow paced country whereby their trouble everyday is to worry about what they should do for the day. Makes me feel like escaping to a country where no one can find me and of which I can relax my mind and give my heart a rest.
One day, I shall do that. (:
The problem with saying out those negative thoughts I had is that I feel selfish for restricting people. I don't want to, because of my feelings, others have to change and accommodate and be sensitive towards my feeling. I don't want that. I just want them to be who they are.
The path I'm taking now is going to be a treacherous one. It's a path I had picked. Should I fall some day, I know I will learn to pick myself up. Not on my own ability but with my Heavenly Father cheering me on. =D
从今天起，我必须习惯过着没有你的日子。虽然艰辛，虽然不舍，可是我一定要靠自己走下去。
words spilled @ 12:13 AM /
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»Lost and Found
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I had been lost and now I think I had found back myself. It's not on my own that I had found myself back but through the power of Christ. (:
No words can express my gratitude for him. The love He gave me was more than enough, more than anything in this world. Nothing can ever replace Him in my life. (:
I'm glad. Because I was lost and now am found.
I don't need anything to make me happy. I don't need the tangibles. God's love is sufficient.
Am at my breaking point last night. I thought that I could no longer hold on anymore. Indeed, I can't. I feel like dying. Feel that this is the end of everything. Everything is just crap. Nothing is going to be right again. I lost myself. I prayed, prayed till I broke down and hope that Father could just take me away. But this morning, I woke up, with a heart overflowing with warmth. A heart full of love from Father. He gave me directions, he guided me through the night. He guided me through everything. Last night was really a bad one. Plus my immune system failed me. Sick. Vulnerable. Breaking down.
Though I'm still sick but at least, He makes me open my eyes and see. Things don't go my way doesn't mean it's the end. There are still other alternatives in my life. Even if it means letting go of the thing that is hurting me. That guy and that girl (I don't feel like mentioning names), had been making my life hell. Never felt this way but, I can say, thanks to them, I had lived a brand new experience life for the past months. This moment can be so happy, next will be hurtful and teary nights. Just like a roller coaster ride. I don't hate them but am grateful to them that I found back myself. I don't need him anymore. Though I still like him but yet, Father had showed me that, now is not the time. I'm still not mature enough. There are still many things in life than to just falling in love with some guy. And getting myself jealous over it.
He still mean something to me but I guess I should keep my distant. Nothing ever was the same after the incident.
Nonetheless, I think this is lesson learnt. Once again, Father had found me when I'm lost. (:
I really want to shout this out of my window! "AMEN!" haha! =D
Result is released today. Thank you Father! I'm back in the 3.5 range. Though the result is not that good but still I will work harder! =D
words spilled @ 2:57 PM /
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»Pretending
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Just pretending to be something I can't be.
Just pretending to be happy when I could see what is going on around me.
Just pretending to put on that smile, when I know it's not suppose to be.
Just pretending to be strong, when the heart is crushed and all shattered.
Just pretending, pretending to be someone I'm not.
Things just ain't the same anymore. I can't live on with this guilt. I can back away if you want, just to make things right again.
4 months, there's already quite a number of tearful nights, heart shattering moments. I guess, you're just not the one.
Maybe, just remain as friends will be the wisest choice I could ever make. Who knows? Life is never predictable and easy.
At least, I don't have to pretend anymore.
Just... Don't be too good to me. I might think otherwise. My thoughts will go wild.
So I guess, this is goodbye...
words spilled @ 12:07 AM /
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»Holidays~
Friday, March 11, 2011
Holidays Holidays Holidays~
I'm happily using the lappy and watching shows as though there's nothing in the world is stopping me. Well, nothing is stopping me. hehe. =D
Finished watching M.Net's Girls Goes to School. It shows the beginning of SNSD also known as Girls' Generation. Many may not like them, think that they are plastics or not as good. But your thoughts won't affect me. They are the best from what I see. Neither your thoughts nor my thoughts are affecting one another, so, I shall continue and love SNSD while you live your life. hehe. =D
Also, watched another episode of Glee. hehe.
Holidays are getting better. Staying at home, going to the market with mom. Watch shows and reading a book. Though mundane, yet I love it. =D
5th anniversary is coming up soon! =D Hopefully everything goes well~
Also, felt a little tired being in MC. Feel like quitting but I will go on. Stay strong. I will do my best. I don't see it as an opportunity of being a higher rank than my peers but a chance for me to grow. To take up great responsibility, comes sacrifices. If I could choose, I would definitely pick the latter, which is to be a normal SC. I don't mind them being of higher rank than I do. But since it's the past, let bygones be bygones then.
Was very tired last night and I slept till 10am today. The weather was so right. A good weather to sleep. hehe. And a bonus, I had a great dream. haha! I wonder if it's true that when you dream of someone, that someone is thinking of you. haha! But then, come to think of it, whenever I had a good dream about certain thing, reality always prove to me that it's just not true, ain't going to come true. =/
Oh well, struggling to make the right decision. But I think, I'm gonna miss you because letting you go is definitely not my option but if life is making it this way. I have to face it. =/
words spilled @ 4:56 PM /
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»Hot and Cold
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's Taeyeon's birthday today! Firstly, a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to TAEYEON to start off! (:Went for the BCM External test today and I'm glad that I passed, one cert secured. Phew~ The 90 bucks is worth it. I don't want to retake it anymore. The questions are tricky and you need a 75% to pass. Glad that it's over. Shall proceed onto the next event in my diary.
Next up, FDM 5th anniversary. Hopefully everything will be alright! Will be praying to Father for His help! Because of His help, I had thus managed to walk so far! I'm grateful for this. (:
Gosh, it's 1.20am now. I need to turn in now. There's meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I won't get such a bad lecture tomorrow. Prays hard!
Result will be out on the 17th! Hope this semester's hard work will be paid off! I really hope that my GPA will rise instead of drop. It had been dropping ever since semester 1.2. Let's just hope for the best! (:
Alrights. Time for bed! Goodnights! (:
I feel so confused. With your hot and cold.
One moment you make me believe.
The other moment, I feel like crap to make myself believe.
When will this cycle ever end?
I guess I don't have a choice...
words spilled @ 1:14 AM /
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»Saturday, weekend
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I never knew that when you dream of someone, that someone is thinking of you. I never knew this fact until I saw it on tumblr yesterday and my little brother thinks that it took me so long to realise that. I'm amazed by this fact though.
Saturday is here, I had planned out many things to do but I ended up sitting in front of the computer. But I had finished watching Glee and We Got Married.
Shall start studying for BCM tomorrow. Hopefully the MCQ goes well! (:
Big brother passed his driving test and is now an official driver. He was so elated. Am happy for him! At least, the money is not wasted. =p haha.
I slept with a fear last night and woke up with it. I'm tired of comparing. I'm always tiring myself with thoughts like, "Why when I always get to know a friend and he/she ended up being closer to my friend." etcetra. Thoughts like this is really demoralising and tiring. So, I prayed. Pray to God that I will be less competitive and sensitive towards stuff like this.
Woke up and this fear got so intense that, I was shaking with fear. I'm standing in between the line of letting go and seeing how much more I could take. My heart felt shattered. That fear whereby I wanted someone to know, yet doesn't. This kind of feeling is so, confusing.
But when I expects nothing and something unexpected happened, I felt as though I'm at the top of the world.
I'm confused towards my feelings now. It's very conflicting. I don't know what I should do. I thought I could love as much as in the past, but the truth is, I don't know if I could love as much as I could. I need to find the answer.
But, nonetheless, I'm not screwing my holidays. I'm gonna enjoy every single seconds of it! (:
words spilled @ 8:10 PM /
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»Post Exam Post
Friday, March 4, 2011
End of Exam! Though this should be what I should post about 2 days ago but I didn't cause had been too busy catching up on sleep. haha!
Anyways, no more examinations to be taken in TP anymore. haha. That's our last Main Exam. =D Rejoicing! =D
Had an impromptu BBQ yesterday with sijin ahyi they all. Though it's a small gathering, yet, it's kinda fun. (:
I had been starving myself since Examinations ended. Actually, not quite starving, just, I didn't eat on time. haha.
Tumblr's been very unstable. Hopefully it will be back to normal soon! Time to relax though there's still 2 more examinations to take. External Cert exam. BCM and FLSM. Hopefully, I could secure this 2 certs. And hopefully, exam result for this sem will be a good one! Hopefully hopefully!
Lots of shows for me to catch up. Holidays, here I come! =D
我是他们的第三者...
words spilled @ 10:29 PM /
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